Back in 2009 I finally had enough of my fat self and lost 40 pounds. I went from 152 down to 112. It was around this time of year that I met my goal weight. It was perfect timing, as it turned out that my 30 Year High School reunion was held in September of 2009. I was able to go and not be ashamed of how I looked.

Since I was now at my goal weight, I gave away all of my larger clothes. I was never going back to my previous weight again!

But it turns out that September was a bad time of year to hit my goal weight. Because once I hit my goal weight, I allowed myself some small indulgences. I look good! I can afford to eat this Halloween candy. I look good. It's Thanksgiving, everyone over does at Thanksgiving. I look good. What's a few Christmas cookies? So I started the 2010 New Year off up by at least 5 pounds. But, I still looked good! I had lost 40 pounds. Of course I can lose these 5 pesky pounds. Only 2011 rolled around and I was up by 15 pounds. But hey, I was still down over all. Unfortunately, I could no longer squeeze into my new smaller clothes. I'd given away all my larger clothes. But I was going to lose the weight. So I only allowed myself to buy a few things in the new larger size. Then 2012 rolled around, and now I'm up even more. But I'm going to lose this weight! I really am. Still, I have to buy even larger clothes. But not too many because I am going to lose this weight. I did it before. This will be my year. Only 2013 rolls around and it is now 3 years later and I'm 156! Even more than I had been. Now 2013 will be the year that I lose the weight. And again, I had to buy even larger clothes. But not too many because this year I'm going to lose the weight! The good news is that when 2014 rolled around I hadn't gained any more weight. But I really hadn't lost any either. I was practically ready to give up on losing the weight. I'd gained and lost the same 10-12 pounds for so long and it was driving me crazy. I gave in and bought myself clothes that fit me comfortably. But I still wasn't ready to give up on my dream to lose the weight. I went to a hypnotist who also was a Medifast coach. But I was too active to get along on just 800 calories a day. My coach wanted me to give up exercise and stop training for my 1/2 marathon. No way was I doing that. I lost my 10-12 pounds, but then of course, gained it all back.

I knew what to do to lose weight. I'd done it before. I just couldn't make myself actually do it. It was all my eating. Once I lost some weight and started looking better, I'd allow myself to eat. I could not and would not tell myself "NO!" That's really all I needed to be able to do. I felt powerless. I knew I was sabotaging myself, but could not stop myself until the damage was done. Then of course I beat myself up for it.

Fortunately, back in July a friend of mine convinced me to try Diet Bet. I had heard about it and had even done a few bets with my husband and son on our own. Only for 3% and not 4%. The first go round I was successful, the second go round I was not. Maybe I needed to do Diet Bet for real. It proved to be exactly the motivation that I needed. I had lost about 5 pounds before I joined, so I'm now down about 15 pounds. And instead of going back to my old ways, so far I've been able to keep up with these new ones. I was finally after how many years able to get back under 140 pounds. I can see 130 in my sights! I no longer fit into the largest of my clothes. But I have to tell you. I've been here before. I gave away all those clothes and said "Never again!" only to eat my words (probably quiet literally!) and be back there and needing to buy new clothes because I gave away the other ones.

Part of me wants to keep them because I really don't want to have that expense again. Then I think, “Yeah, maybe I should keep them. Kind of like how you take your umbrella with you as insurance that you hopefully won't need it!” That allows me to say I’m not going back there, but still keep them anyway. I think for now, that is what I’m going to do. Perhaps not the smartest, but giving them away last time didn’t keep me from going back. I really don’t ever want to go back there. But at this point I’m still afraid.