I'm currently 1 week binge-free!! Oh heavens, praise the Lord! I know He is the one that is working in my life to make this completely possible. Normally, when I go for a few days without bingeing, it's because my roommate is home and awake when I get home from work, or something along those lines. I pretty much have to be alone. I will have anxiety about wanting everyone to go to sleep so I can finally eat myself silly. It's ridiculous. I think the reason this is happening is because all throughout this summer, I would binge and fast, binge and fast, perhaps eat "well" a day or two, which consisted of taking myself down to about 1200 calories and still working out, but then I'd binge again. I realize now that I was probably just literally STARVING myself! And my bodily instincts were taking over and telling me to eat all of the food I could get my hands on, because it didn't know how long the next fast was going to be, or how many hundreds of calories I would burn the next day at the gym.
It's time to get real about how to be good to my body. I want to be strong and healthy, and not care so much about "skinny" vs. "fat". I want to enjoy food... REALLY enjoy it! This week was an awesome week for me. I'm amazed at myself. I do track my calories, but I also enjoyed a HUGE quesadilla one night. I enjoyed every bite, and I was satisfied. I didn't have to get more food after that, and I also didn't feel guilty. I just ENJOYED. I'm so happy about this that I want to cry. I'm not obsessing about always eating completely healthy foods all the time. I still get workouts in. I lifted a couple times this week, and also ran a couple times. I've been coming home from work, house to myself, and gone to bed without even the URGE to binge. This is the balance I have been wanting. God has truly answered my prayers. He is faithful. I can't even express the joy I feel.
I'm certain the urge to binge isn't gone forever, but I feel so much better this week than I have felt in a long time. I'm reading this book by Kathryn Hansen called "Brain Over Binge." I'm not too far into it yet, but I am enjoying it quite a bit so far. If anyone is struggling with binge eating, then this book might be a tool you could use to figure out how to quit bingeing. I'll post again when I'm finished with the book about my thoughts.
I'm not sure that I'll join another DietBet. My goals aren't to lose weight, and I think obsessing about a number on the scale is what kind of got the ball rolling on this obsessive roller coaster I've ridden. My goals now are to be strong. I want to do less running, more lifting. My goal is to be strong! Maybe even gain muscle weight. It's certainly not within my comfort zone, but this means a lot to me. I have a healthy amount of body fat. I certainly don't want to malnourish myself just to lose weight anymore. I'm pretty sure I know where that path leads, and I want to stay as far away from that as possible.
All in all, I'm happy. Being on this DietBet has been fun. Thinking about losing money did make me think twice about bingeing a couple times, and I have really appreciated all of the encouragement and prayers that I've gotten from other people on here. I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend! I'll pray for you all. I hope you'll keep me in your prayers as well, not just with my bingeing, but because I have final exams to study for. As of this Wednesday around 10 a.m., I will officially be on Christmas break! Hallelujah! :)