My first blog post. Hopefully cofessing this will help me to move past my struggles? I'm really suffering badly with binge eating. Not just eating too many chips, but eating an entire bag, and then moving onto a jar of peanut butter, and then three bowls of cereal, and then... it will go on and on for hours. Seriously. Why? I think it has something to do with the fact that I really restricted my calories for months. I lost a ton of weight, close to 70 lbs., if I remember correctly. I got really skinny. I felt amazing, but others commented to me that I was way too thin. However, when I looked in the mirror, all I saw was that tummy fat that I still had to get rid of. In early spring of this year, I tried on a swimsuit at the store, and all I saw was a fat girl in the mirror. I think that in losing all of that weight and so severely restricting my calories, my body thought I was starving, and I lost a ton of muscle, and my body held onto the body fat to protect me.
Then something dramatic happened and kinda turned my life upside down. Perhaps I'll share that event with you sometime. After this traumatic event, I didn't give two hoots about my diet anymore. My body was screaming for nutrition, something that I had been denying it for a long time. I ate everything in sight. Hours and hours. I was so full, but I just couldn't stop eating. It felt completely out of my control. Of course, then I felt super guilty. I tried to move on from it, but food turned into a comfort. I began to turn my eating into a secret event. It's been going on like this for months now. I hate my relationship with food. I've seen a counselor, and that has helped to an extent, and I would say that it has become better, but I get so discouraged when I continue to allow myself to binge nightly.
I had done super well there for just a few days, but then when I went home for Thanksgiving, I allowed myself to binge again. Three nights in a row now. I don't know whyyyyyy. I'm so frustrated with myself. I felt like I had been doing so well, and then all of a sudden, I stopped caring, and my habits kicked in. I just don't get it.
I am taking steps to figure out what's going on in my brain. I ordered a recommended book by someone who has completely recovered from her binge eating disorder. It's called "Brain Over Binge". She says it was super helpful for her. I can't wait to start reading it once it comes in. If it will help me to completely overcome this, then I'm all in. All I know is that binge eating is completely robbing me of joy in my life. It makes me feel disgusting, shamed, and worthless.
Being a Christ-follower, I know that Satan is behind this ugly behavior, and then he's also the one telling me the lies about my self-worth. I pray so very hard to be able to overcome this disease. I just don't want it to define me anymore. I want a good relationship with food. I want to love my body and take care of it as I'm supposed to, because it's a temple of the Holy Spirit. I hate that I'm doing so much damage to my body by abusing it with this bingeing/fasting cycle that I allow myself to go through. I want to love my body, and I want to be free of this bondage. If anyone has gone through binge eating disorder, or anything similar, I would love to hear how you overcome the disease, and I would appreciate everyone's prayers! Thanks for reading