My mother has always been a bigger woman. "It's hereditary" I've been told.
So I'm destined to be a bigger woman I guess. Even at a healthy size (or now that I look back I see I was healthy when the whole time I thought I was fat), I still weighed more than anyone I knew. At my most in shape, playing competitive soccer and being a track and field college athlete I weighed over 150Ibs and I am 5'5".
"Lots of muscle, especially in your legs", the doctors and massage therapists would say.
It made it easier to just accept that I was never going to be a stick-skinny woman, but I liked it like that. Until recently when the excuses are not the same.
My mom started crying Christmas morning. She confessed to me that she was terrified that I would become like her. "Like her" as in overweight and obese. Utterly unhappy with herself and feeling helpless against the weight. She noticed that I had gained some weight since the summer. She was always pretty good about noticing things like that. My newest blemish, if my clothes were tighter, if my hair was a bit messy, she was never afraid to express her two cents about my appearance. Makes it a little hard for a teenager growing up when you're being critiqued about things you are already self conscious about in the first place. It all became apparent in that one moment as she was crying though.
She doesn't want me to end up like her. This woman is the most generous, caring, selfless, and outrageously hilarious woman I know. I've always called her my hero. She is a single mother that raised my brother and me with hardly any help. The sacrifices she's made have been for us and only us. When I think about all the money I've cost and the energy I've expended, it makes me love and appreciate her even more. But she doesn't want me to end up like her.
I know what I need to do to be healthy again. I know what I need to eat to help my clothes fit again. I know how much I need to work out to build the muscle again. I know what I have to say to myself to motivate me to keep going. But I don't understand why she doesn't want me to end up like her.
The focus is on the outside...I can feel the pressure. So now, what I thought I would be doing for myself, I am going to do for her.