Since I began these DB back in January I have been on an emotional high. It could have been the group support or that I just had the mindset that to do this I needed to be happy. I had a lot bad stuff happen over the last 2 years(and throughout my life) and in December things started to get better. I don't deal with my emotions very well. I stuff them down, and I have been stuffing them down with food for years. That is how I got to be over 300lbs.
This week has been a real struggle with energy and having the motivation to get moving. I have been doing it and doing it well, but it has been more of a chore to get done than something I wanted to do. I have seen great progress but today I hit an emotional wall. I got my work out in, and I pushed hard, but at the end I just wanted to cry, I find when I push really hard when exercising at the end I cry.
I put up this wall of weight to keep people away and now it is breaking down, because this is not really who I am inside. I want to trust again and trust myself again. I think the wall I am hitting right now about exercising is the emotions coming up and wanting to get out, but I don't want to deal with them still. I need to and I need to let go of the disappointments that brought me to this place.
We all have baggage we carry around, some hide it well while others put it out there for all to see, except they don't see the hurt we have endured, they only see the fat we have become. I am not wanting people to feel sorry for me but to understand I am a work in progress and that I will stumble and fall, cause hurt and be hurt, but no longer am I going to allow these things affect how I see myself and how I deal with life. I will no longer stuff myself down I will rise, fly and soar above all of this. I will not let the pain of my past dictate my furture or my weight. Each day I will deal with the pain and the tears that might flow if need be, but I can't and won't stuff them down any longer.
I want to be healthy and not just physically but emotionally as well. That is what this whole process for me is about. Finding the triggers and dealing with the things that bring them on and not do damage to myself or others be honest with myself and if I am sad be sad, angry be angry, or any other emotion I am feeling I will feel it. It is important because when I learn to do this I have then learned to become the person I want to be.