Back on January 1st I weighed in at a weight that I never thought I would reach in my life.  It's amazing how ignoring your own needs and health can accumulate until you are at a place where you don't recognize yourself, like yourself, or feel you can ever dig out of.  A high school friend who I adored but haven't seen in 38 years posted something about Diet Bet on her FB page.  I reacted YES! which gave my competitive spirit some hope.

I lost 29.5 pounds on my first Transformer.  I joined 30 day challenges to keep myself motivated, but my enthusiasm starteted to wane.  I won a couple of 30 day challenges, but I always, always won my transformer weigh ins.  That Transformer ended in June.  My 18 year old son and I went to Pagosa Springs, Colorado for a few days to see my sister who has an outdoor store in the town.  It's a gorgeous place with hiking trails everywhere.  We hiked every day at least once or twice.  I loved it.  I mean, I missed it on the way home kind of loved it.  It was the scenery.  It was being able to share that with my son.  It was quiet.  Peaceful. Calming the voices in my head that are constantly telling me I'm not enough and I've got a million other things that should be prioritized over a simple hike.  

Once we arrived home it was a lot of getting ready to take my son to college.  He's off now, having adventures and starting the next phase of his life.  That is forcing me to start mine.  He's been gone a week and it's been sad, in a resigned sort of way.  I miss him, but I did an exceptional job raising this guy on my own.  By the way, health and exercise are a huge priority for him.  He was my biggest cheer leader when it meant putting myself first.  It was me who refused to do it.  Now that I have only me to consider, I don't know how.  It is depressing!  I have no excuses and I am exhausted at the thought of making a move forward.  

I have no friends to do things with.  Most of my friends are married, or live out of town.  So it is up to me if I'm going to figure this out and make my health a priority.  I joined a MeetUp group.  Walking, Hiking.  Frankly they look friendly and welcoming enough, but it scares the crap out of me.  I had a therapist tell me once that I live in constant fight or flight mode.  That makes it even more difficult for me to do things like go to a Yoga class, hike with strangers, seek out new friends with an interest in fitness.  But I've got to try.  I want to try.  

Transformer is my first step.  This is me - trying.  Good Luck fellow Diet Bet friends!  I wish you many of the right kind of losses.