It's day 2 and I am sitting here and thinking now what? I know the correct answer is eat right and exercise. It should be as simple as that, but for me it never has been.  

My husband and I always have been horrible partners in this arena as he is super fit. He is in the military and a fireman. He can just jump up and go run 10 miles as if it were nothing and then go to crossfit (and actually ENJOY it) every day! He however will pull into Krispy Kreme if that Fresh/Hot light is on EVERY time and could put down a dozen doughnuts in about 5 minutes! He has no self control when it comes to eating. I on the other hand can turn it on like a light switch and decide that I am eating healthy and watching what I put in my mouth with little effort and it does not phase me. I LOATHE exercise. I have to FORCE myself to do it. This is my biggest hurdle and where I will have to work every day to do better.

He is now on orders and away for 21 months which makes it a little easier for me on the exercising front. I know I shouldn't compare myself but it is embarrassing still for me when he offers to go for a walk with me and I am getting winded going uphill with him! I don't want him to see that nor do I want him to see me nearly dying doing Max 30 or Core de Force. He is nothing but supportive but hinders me just the same.  

On the food topic; my issue is not what I put into my mouth most of the time. I used to grab fast food on the run when I was still working due to those being convenient meals. My issue has/is not eating. I am not hungry.  I am using this My Fitness Pal app that tells me that I am to eat 1200 calories per day. I have to force meals when I am counting calories to get to that 1200 calories because I am not hungry. In the last 2 years where I gained, many days I forgot to eat meals.

The body is a funny thing, it plays sick jokes on you.  I personally think that if you are not eating it should use up the fat you already have! Before anyone goes on to tell me about my body going into starvation mode and that I need to eat small meals all day (3 meals) and small snacks...I know! I forget!  So, this is my problem...if I am not hungry should I be forcing myself to eat?  What is that saying? "You are not hungry, you are bored so drink water?"

I have many habits that I need to readjust. Maybe once I begin a routine of exercise my body will need to fuel itself and crave the food, that makes sense. 

So my goal will be to eat my three meals minimum a day and eventually work in those snacks I suppose and work on my water intake. Did I mention that I also really dislike water? :) I managed to drink 2 liters despite that yesterday so I am proud of myself.

I guess todays entry is really about what my struggle really is. I struggle with eating enough and motivation to exercise. I walked 1.25 miles yesterday, I think that was an ok start but I can do better. I am afraid to jump in head first like I always do "balls to the wall" on workouts. I am afraid that if I do that then I am setting myself up to fail. Maybe that is a copout? Maybe I know myself well enough to know that is what would happen. I was supposed to also start Max 30 last night and I will be honest, I watched the 1st 3 minutes and got a little scared.  My confidence from my first blog dwindled and doubt crept in, all I thought is what are you doing? You can't handle that yet! I was NOT stronger than my excuses.

I have to be better today than I was yesterday.