It's Saturday morning.  My first DietBet in two years is ending soon, and I'll need to take my final weigh-in pictures by Tuesday.  Out of curiousity, I weighed myself when I woke up, only to find that I'd gained back 2 pounds since my weigh-in on Thursday morning.

I know that this is likely water weight, or sodium.  I know that I'm making healthy choices every day and that I didn't make any choices in the past two days that were harmful to my body.  I'm trying to be zen about everything, and for the most part, I am feeling really great.  I have no control over the scale...  I have no control over the scale...

(I'm not shirking responsibility by saying that.  I'm just saying that the only things I have control over are choices I make.  I can't control the scale's willingness to cooperate...)

So today, I want to make a fearless (but certainly not exhaustive) list of ten things I never want to forget.  Maybe you'll see some things on this list *you* never want to forget.  Maybe you'll be inspired to make your own list - either here in the halls of DietBet, or more privately at home?  

I Never Want to Forget...


1) having difficulty putting on my socks and shoes, because bending over was so difficult.  Even going so far as being mindful of who was around when I needed to adjust my socks, or shoes, and planning the "bend" so that if it was awkward I could joke about it.

2) having to ask for an extending seat-belt on flights.  The fear that I have felt knowing that I have had to fly has, at times, led to bouts of anxiety.  Being the fat person that nobody wants to get stuck next to.  Having to smoosh my body as close to the wall/window as possible.  (I always go for the window seat so that I can lean my excess-ness to one side...  Also, I think there's a 'hide-in-the-corner' element in there somewhere.)

3) not fitting into an amusement park ride.  This happened once.  Mind you: it would have happened again, had I tried to ride an amusement park ride since then, but I haven't.  If my math is correct, we're talking about six years ago.  I was mortified that night, and grateful to the boyfriend I was dating at the time who made me feel less self-conscious.  (READ: less self-conscious doesn't mean that memory won't be seared into my brain forever.  It just means I was able to pretend everything was fine for the rest of the night, and not disintegrate into a puddle of sadness right then and there.)

4) I have a scale that can weigh up to 440 pounds.  This is because my scale has read OL before.  Many people have no clue what that means.  It means that you're over the limit.  I never want to forget that I've seen OL on more than one scale in my life.

5) having to use more than one measuring tape to measure certain parts of my body.  My measuring tape goes up to 60".  That's not big enough.

6) the nervousness of being led to a booth in a restaurant.  I eyeball booths and try to figure out which side of the booth is even just marginally bigger.  I try to make this a split-second decision so that nobody around me can see what I'm doing.  I often times sit in discomfort.  Often enough, in fact, that I think of it as my 'norm.'

7) being asked by my primary care physician if I felt like bariatric surgery was a choice I wanted to consider.

8) drinking ipecac in order to lose weight.  I was in junior high.  I had learned about what ipecac was from watching the Ann of Green Gables miniseries that was so popular back then.  I bought it at the store, and drank it.  I would sit downstairs in my family's tv room and drink ipecac and sit. and wait. and finally get sick enough that I'd throw up.  This didn't last long.  I was really disappointed in myself for being bad at bulimia.

9) typing in the highest allowed weight on the elliptical at the gym (350 lbs) even though I weigh more than that.

10) waiting.  Waiting waiting waiting.  Waiting until I was skinny/pretty enough for my life to start.  Postponing my happiness, and attributing it to a number on the scale.