Excuses, explanations, expectations

Posted on August 28, 2014

I have so many excuses for not loosing weight. I have physical handicaps. bohoo. I just entered menopause. big deal. I am on some serious medication that destroys my metabolism and increases my appetite. so? I have a psyciatric challenge that afflics my impulse control and ability to conquer my own barriers, but still enables me to do rather bizarre things to myself.

They are all valid. As explanations. But when I look closely, it all boils down to my own determination. My mind is more muddled than the average person's, but I actually see some of what's happening here.

I walk or drive through town, and I see a beautiful young woman, and my brain goes: "I would give ANYTHING to look like that!" (exept eating right and exercise enough..) WTF is WRONG with me?? I want it, I have the tools, I know they work, so why don't I just DO it?? Is all this suffering worth a taste in my mouth and a silence in my belly?? I survive severe depressions, where I actually inflict pain on myself to relieve the inner pain, but I cannot leave my comfort zone in the gym?

Why am I afraid to suffer injuries while working out, when I have no worries about slitting my wrists?? And why do I stuff myself with junk food that I cannot even enjoy, or even taste, when I am depressed?? Is it some perverted punishment I lay upon myself? Is my eating and inertia actually my form of self-mutilation?

Nobody lifts an eyebrow if they notice my scars at all, but the entire world feels free to comment on my size. It is easier to get away with murder than getting away with letting yourself go. The modern society is so obsessed with looks that it totally overshadows health, happiness, love, intelligence and so on in media and mind.

Am I sabotaging my diet as a self - inflicted punishment for beeing fat??? Do I go against the accepted norm of beauty and health to prove to myself I am not worth loving?? Why, then, do I sincerely feel I really want to loose weight, I really try to loose weight, and I give it my all for a period of time before my brain starts messing with me again. I am starting to believe that being fat is my ultimate punishment for being me.

People give me understanding and sympathy when they learn of my suicide attempts og thoughts about it, but my weight is only scorned and humilliated. ( Not by close friends, of course) Am I doing this to myself because cutting and burning just wasn't humiliating enough? And am I the really twisted one, or is it the modern ideal of what is acceptable or not??

I am going to loose weight, and I am going to exercise and improve my health. I am also going to have some serious discussions with myself and stop this self-mutilation, self-loathing and other excuses for not doing what is best for me. And I am going to allow myself to go absolutey batshit crazy before I start using eating as a tranquilizer!! My concious brain will not accept overeating as medication anymore. I have all the tools, and I WILL have that body, -eventually.

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Linda R.

02/02/2016 6:18AM

I have really no excuse for gaining a lot of weight since my last DietBet. I kept my new weight for months, then I went on a Group vacation for four days, and ate the same as the others. BIG mistake! Three kilos up. Then, almost a year later I went for a trip to Australia. I spent a week on my own, and a week with friends. I ate at the hotel the first week, and I am ashamed to say I cleared my plate three times a day, and even snacked in between. My hosts the second week is fairly healthy and skinny, but even if I mostly had what they were having, I added on snacks that were not healthy at all. It was a concious choice, to have a two week worry-free vacation. And we did move. We are all keen on dogs and flowers, so we had a few walks, as far as my physique allowed. We went on excurtions, and we went wild -orchid-hunting every day! I gained ten kilos. I must remember I cannot eat as much as healthy people do, and I cannot let it slide or slip for more than a day at the time, and not very often. My next planned binge will be in august. Not as a reward, but as a reminder that a day doesn't ruin everything, as long as I stay focused in between.January and february this year is committed to a low-carb diet. Partly to curb my sugar craving, partly to loose some weight as a kick-off, but mostly becuse I am sick and tired of the diciples telling me about how wonderful it is! I stay in ketose, count calories and stay With the ketolytic recepie. In three weeks, I have lost half a kilo,

RachelDee

I realize this blog is an older post, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in these kind of struggles. I wish that I had just the right words to help and encourage you, but being that I am dealing with these kinds of things too, I am at a loss. (wish it was weight loss har har har)The only thing I can say is that getting it all out there with blogging a bit has helped me get it out of my brain and made room for more positive things to enter. I am glad to see that you are getting back at it and hope that you keep updating! I am currently on my first diet bet.

Linda R.

Thank you, I supposed we were a few with similar Challenges. And, yes, writing helps me too!