I AM SCARED, I AM AUTHENTIC

Posted on August 22, 2016

It has taken a little time to get things worked out in my head. I have been through some interesting moments over the last few months.

A year ago I attended an orientation meeting for a bariatric program at the regional hospital. It did take a year before I got the call for my intake appointment. I have since attended that appointment and got the additional information I needed to make the final decision about the program. I have decided to enter into the medical wieght loss program. This just means that I will be following a medically prescribed program starting with shakes (four a day/12 weeks) then I will be guided through lower the number of shakes and adding in meals. This process will take 6 months from beginning to end with a 6 month period of maintainance guidance. Through all of this I will be under medical care (every two weeks with a nurse and a specialist who I am already under the care of) it also includes weekly meetings that will guide us through exercise, diet, mental well being. It is a well rounded program of treating the whole person, not just the "weight problem"

Through going over the information and figuring out just where this will take me I have realized a few things. I am scared!!! Scared of failing in the program, failing myself because I have really high expectations, scared of the weight loss!! this last one really hit hard!! I have been heavy most of my life, well what i considered heavy, it has become my wall, my protection. I have been told that "I look comfortable in my skin" again a defense mechanism. I had to "fake it" so that no one knew I was hurting. I hurt because I was a little larger than the girls I went to school with, I wasnt the one the guys looked at when I was out in public, at the bar, in social activities. I had friends say that the guys all liked me better than them but I always knew it was my "skinny" friends that brought the guys to the table, I could just keep them there because I talked and laughed and joked.

This fear of the weight loss has lead to another thought, I am scared of succeeding!! What if I lose weight?! what will my life be like? Will others view me differently? Will it be expected that I will be "wildly" active? I know the weight loss will change me, the way I think of myself. I am already active but will I be more active? hmmmm that will be for me to decide. I dont think losing weight will mean I will suddenly start rock climbing every weekend or running marathons (although that last one does sound interesting), I wont be taking up sky diving but I will probably be more comfortable and willing to get out and do things with my husband like riding on the ATV or snowmachine. I might actually really enjoy the community trips more and actually particpate in the activities.

I have also acknowledge a fear of an eating disorder. This fear comes from seeing signs in my habits at this point that could have pushed me there. This came from part of the conversation during the intake appointment. We were talking about exercise and when I said that I walked every day and I was doing about 10,000 to 12, 000 steps the nurse stated I may have to cut back. Now I realize that maybe she misuderstood what I was saying, that was through the whole day, not in one walking session each day. it did lead to a thought of I may have been to restrictive in my diet and doing too much with my walking. While I havent totally restricted in the sense of dropping complete food groups (unless processed food is considered a group) but I have restricted my intake. I havent really increased the exercise part of my day but I have really made sure to hit the minimum goal of 10, 000 steps (thanks stepbet, I am a winner there). So I have identified at least three issues that have lead me to the statement "I AM SCARED"

I have always practiced "fake it until you make it" well this has to stop!! I have done it so long I have lost the authentic self!! I have been asked "who are you", in answer I have said wife, mother, education counselor. To which they usually respond "no, who are you?" "How do you see yourself?" I can honestly say, I DONT KNOW!!!!! I have no clue who the authentic self is!!

I AM SCARED!!! that is authentic! I am happy I have decided to move into this part of my journey, that is authentic! and as I finish writing this I feel tears beginning to start, that is authentic!! I am scared, over whelmed and happy all at once. I have opened myself up to let this journey begin. I am now exposed, the hard exterior is opening and the soft inside is beginning to show.

Comment Now!

Les

08/30/2016 7:17PM

Can't wait to hear and please share e writhing you are going through as you progress! I have faith I. You????

BCbabe likes this comment.

BCbabe

Thanks Les!! I will blog as I go along.

Jules

08/24/2016 8:27AM

Oh Valerie, I have missed you! I loved seeing your posts each week in a bet led by Marcie, so it was so nice to see this blog post. You are so STRONG! It is okay to be scared, this is a big journey, but you got this! I am happy you have this amazing opportunity. Use all of these wonderful tools. You are so genuine and these feelings are all natural. You go girl!

BCbabe likes this comment.

BCbabe

Thanks Jules, I know with support like I have here all I can do is move forward and succeed no mater what that looks like.

Julie Lama

08/23/2016 4:28AM

This will be an amazing adventure! It will be great to explore your skinny self! Know she is in there and ok let out. Let go of the old physical limits that you let define you. Know that you are amazing and funny and charismatic. You will still be all those things, but give yourself permission to become the woman you dream of. Room to redefine and recreate yourself as many times as you like. Work with affirmations and visualization to let this new perception in. Know that people are attracted to you for the beautiful vibrant being you are. The approach sounds interesting. Go for it. Keep your activity level up if you can. They can always adjust calories to accommodate. Ideally you don't lose too much muscle. Some is ok. I am assuming these are protein shakes so building /keeping muscle should be doable. You could take this opportunity to throw weights around more mixed with walks or runs? I hope it is something that helps you find your balance. It can be an opportunity to completely reset your eating habits. Cheering for you :)

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BCbabe

Thanks Julie, I know it is going to be an amazing journey to find this new person and define just who she is

Carrie W.

08/22/2016 7:09PM

Love this! I've asked myself "what if I actually lose this weight?" more times than "what if I don't?" Thanks for your honesty!!! Also, you're gonna do wonderful and have fun figuring out who your authentic self is gonna be!!!

Julie Lama and BCbabe like this comment.

BCbabe

thank you Carrie, some days it is harder to look at the success than the failure. it is all a learning process and I need to temind myself and those sround me its ok to have emotions and to live out loud.