I just had what I would describe as a "slip" with my food, and I want to learn all I can from it:
What did I just do? Why did I do it? When did I do it? Where did I do it? HOW can I prevent this next time?
WHAT: I just ate 3/4 of a frozen vegan pizza. I ate it even though I was not actually HUNGRY, and I did not log it, give any consideration to calories, or otherwise structure it like a normal meal. After mentally (and publicly, on DietBet) declaring my kitchen "CLOSED" for the night, I later walked aimlessly into my kitchen and started looking around((*dangerous move*)). Fortunately, there is not much junk in my house any more...but noticing an open bag of chips on the table got me thinking about food, and then seeing the vegan pizza in the freezer continued my thought. Even as I was heating up, and later eating, the pizza, I had that familar voice in my head saying, "don't do this; you really don't even want it." Someday, I would like to listen to that voice *completely* and *consistently*. For now, I am glad the voice is getting louder, and I am becoming slightly more aware.
WHY: Besides the obvious reason (I am a compulsive eater, therefore I often overeat for seemingly no reason at all), I think that tonight's "slip" was a way of acting out because I am frustrated with my progress here on DietBet. Last month, I completed my first DB4, but did not reach goal. Now, I am about to finish Round 1 of my first DB6, and I have a pretty good feeling that I will not make goal for Round 1...and will have to work my butt off to make up for lost ground, and hit my goal for Round 2. I am mad at myself for not losing weight; I am mad at myself for bouncing around up and down within the same 5 pound range for weeks and weeks and weeks at a time. I am starting to feel like it is somehow impossible for me to lose weight: like I need to be perfectly within my cals everyday, and that I just don't have the mental commitment to do so. I know this is unrealistic: I can and will lose weight with sustainable effort...but I am just frustrated.
It's like: as soon as I see that I may not reach a certain goal (ie: Round 1 weigh-in), my first instinct is "#@%$-it! I'm not gonna 'make it' anyway, so I might as well cut loose and EAT!" I don't want to react that way anymore. While it is true that I may not make all my round goals, every time I "cut loose" with my food, I am just undoing my hard work, and making it less likely that I will reach LATER goals as well...I am finishing Round 1 of a 6 Round game...still plenty of time to reach mini goals AND my ultimate 10% goal...but only if I change my behavior and my attitudes.
WHEN & WHERE: Late at night (9:30 pm) alone in my apartment (boyfriend at work)...I swear, my "trigger" times with food are so predictable, I could set my watch to it. Home alone in the evening is when I need to be the most CAREFUL. This happened AFTER I posted my "kitchen closed" status, after walking into the kitchen when I really should not have been, etc.
HOW CAN I PREVENT THIS NEXT TIME:
--Remember that missing ONE goal is no reason to sabotage FUTURE goals or "throw in the towel".
--Consistently log my food and activity every day, so that I have a better chance of losing weight, and reaching my DB goals.
--Continue to keep most junk out of the house, and hide away any other trigger items. Probably don't buy that frozen pizza again.
--Be extra aware right before weigh-ins, milestones, and during other "last minute" times when the desire to sabotage may arise.
--Maybe make an actual "KITCHEN CLOSED" wooden sign on a cord to hang in the kitchen doorway at the end of my food day; kind of funny, but could be a playful yet concrete reminder to avoid night time eating.
--The next time the voice in my head is yelling "stop, don't do it!" i will LISTEN TO that voice, and I will get on DB, or call a friend, or reach out in SOME WAY to break the pattern of isolation.
--Late in the evening, (after dinner) choose to read or just go to bed early...avoid Netflix time, which soon becomes FOOD time.