As outgoing and gregarious as I am, I'm truly a private person. I'll tell you all about myself, the good stuff anyway. The face the world sees is happy and smiling. I only show my doubts and fears to a very select few. My negative emotions are mine and mine alone. A friend once told me I react much more like a man than a woman when it comes to emotion. It's not that the happy face is a mask. That's the real me, most of the time.
I think I learned to compartmentalize and shield my emotions at a very young age. I was in and out of hospitals a LOT until the age of 12. Like most young children, I was very empathetic. I knew my parents were tense and scared. So, instead of crying and upsetting them more, I learned to impress the nurses by asking to play with their stethoscope (pronounced perfectly) by age two. I remember always having legions of nurses hanging out with us. They lightened the mood and relaxed my parents. Problem solved.
I'm good at solving problems. I like to make others happy. When I was young, this often meant succeeding. Unconsciously, I learned to play to my strengths and not go too far outside the box. Unfortunately, this has lead to my greatest fear.
I hate to fail. I really, really hate to fail. Truthfully, I'm afraid to fail. There have been times I've decided not to do something because I didn't want to not be able to do it. If the people who know and see me every day heard me say that, they'd laugh. They wouldn't believe it. "But you're so successful at everything you do," they'd say. BINGO! I am successful at most everything I do. Do you know why? Because I choose wisely and don't take risks.
Failure, however, is not truly my biggest fear. Opening up publicly is truly my biggest fear. That's why Diet Bet was such a radical divergence from the norm for me. While I didn't know anyone in the bet when I placed it, I was still laying myself bare in PUBLIC. Diet Bet, and all of you, have taught me that I shouldn't be afraid. Luckily, I haven't failed so far. However, if I do, I know you'll all be there to pick me up. You're all wonderful.
You've made me realized I've been cheating myself for a long time. I have some really, really great friends and family surrounding me in my daily life and I've never given them the opportunity to do what you all do for me. Years ago, if I'd allowed my loved ones to support me the way you all are, who knows what kinds of amazing things I could have done. That ends now. I'm cracking open the vault that is Cara.
And so, that brings us to the long lost pipe dream. Years ago, the American Lung Association started the Power Climb in our tallest building downtown. Basically, you run up the stairs from bottom to top. I'm not a runner and never will be, but stairs..... Could I have made it? I don't know. I was too terrified to try. I never even told anyone I considered it.
This week, I looked it up. It's changed a bit. Now instead of 1 tall building, it's 4 medium sized buildings. In total, it's more flights and more stairs. 93 flights to be exact. Earlier this week, I told my husband I was thinking about it. I posted on Facebook asking friends where I could do a practice run to see if I even had a shot at it. Today, I went to the hospital to do a trail run. THE HOSPITAL! A place I detest setting foot in and only go if I really, really have to. I've had enough of them for several lifetimes.
I ran up 21 flights of stairs. Not all at once, our hospital's not that tall. I ran up 5 flights, walked down, ran up, walked down..... So, it wasn't all in a row, but it was enough to convince me that I can do this. This evening, I signed up for the American Lung Association's Climb for Air. On March 22, 2015, I race. This is my marathon. As soon as I finished signing up, I posted the announcement and donation link on my Facebook page.
I am open. I am laying it out there. You can't get much more on the line than asking friends to sponsor you. In 14 weeks, I'm going to fly up those stairs. It doesn't matter what my time is. Hell, it doesn't even matter if I finish. But, I will. Remember, I don't like to fail.