So it's day 1. I'm at the start of the challenge, just as I am the start of Eli's book. Already I've had reality challenged by some of the questions like:
Do I want to change?
If I'm honest - it's easier and saves time if I just say no. But I do. I don't really have a motivating factor though other than I want to be better.
Am I afraid to succeed?
At first I want to dismiss this as a stupid question but then if you stop and think about it without curling up into a little ball of defensiveness, I suppose I am. I think part of my issue is I don't want attention. I'm more than happy to be the wall flower, the invisble one because it gives me comfort from having to push myself and participate because I am a chronic avoider. Self worth comes in to play here which has had two decades of being fat or rather having fat. (If you don't have Eli's book, I really recommend you get it :P) However if I look back to photos 20 years ago, I'd give anything to go back to that weight where I thought I was fat and just destined to be that way because you know, genes are easier to blame than my life choices. Denial is easier to face and explain away than feeling like I valued myself.
As I said, I'm a chronic avoider.
I signed up to join another DietBet previous to Eli's actually but never submitted my entry because I feared the photo. Every photo I took made me feel worse so I avoided it by explaining away that I couldn't get a good photo because I didn't have a mirror or I couldn't get a proper full length photo.
Nearly 2 years ago I was injured severely in a motor vehicle vs my motor cycle accident and every day I live with the strain, pain and struggle of my injuries both physical and psychological. I spent 4 months in hospital in physical therapy learning to use my left leg again after nearly losing it. Back, neck, forearm, hip, knee, leg. I am a bundle of pain but exercise doesn't make it worse, in fact it improves everything overall. Better sleep, better motivation, better engagement, less pain, less anxiety, less depression.
I told myself that I shouldn't enter because I'm in Australia and right now it's winter and it's cold and I would just fail because most people in this will be in the last month of summer in USA. Excuses tumbled through my head to not do it, to avoid the hassle, the shame. But then I read "Am I afraid to succeed" again and realised the fact is I'm not competing against everyone else, I'm competing with myself. Even as I write this my resolve is getting stronger.
I'm pretty much frustrating the hell out of myself with internal conflict every day. It's hard to think back to before my accident 2 years ago and look at what I've lost and the amount of weight I've gained extra since due to inactivity and excuses.
I don't know if I'll succeed. Only time will tell that but I know I won't succeed unless I make the choice to participate in my life rather than avoid it.