Warning, this may be an odd post for someone to read, but writing these blog posts really helps me get out some demons when I am having a hard time with the weight loss. However, feel free to keep reading if you wish. It could possibly end up being strangely inspirational.
So...
I'm at my lowest weight so far, but somehow I am super bummed again, which happens from time to time during this journey. Having depression doesn't help. I am a ticking time bomb most of the time, but I never take it out on anyone. Why? Because they don't deserve it. It ends up being bottled inside. Although I go to the gym 5-6 days a week to alleviate this stress, I go right after work. My husband meets me there every day, and I can't push myself to change into my gym clothes and go inside. When I was larger, I thought this was my brain putting up some sort of fat defense mechanism. Now, I'm not sure what it is, but it's a struggle I have almost every day. I think it goes a little deeper down. I just don't know what to. I left my job as a teacher because I was miserable back in December, and have a new job that I love. My husband and I have never had marital problems, and things are great. I don't know what else there is. Possibly my second master's degree is really pissing me off. I finish in August and things are most stressful right now. Once I go through these emotional hurdles of "Why?", I end up finally lacing up my shoes and going inside. I always feel much better afterward.
Anyway, this post is a letter to my future self.
Dear Future Sara,
There are reasons you need to keep pushing. Remember "Harder Near the Finish?" You've been going through this charade for months. You are almost 15 pounds lighter than when you wrote that blog post.
Remember being a size 16 never thinking you'd make it to a size 10? Remember thinking you were going to be too skinny at a size 10? Too bad. This was an excuse you used to tell yourself. You're now a size 6, and far from being "too skinny." You are lean and fit. This is how you should look. Never stop improving on this.
Remember when your stomach caused one of the buttons on your brand new capri pants to pop off? That will never happen again. Where are those pants, anyway? They are in a box of "big clothes" that will eventually make it to Goodwill-- along with every size 16, 14, 12, 10 and 8 you have owned in the last 8 months.
Remember when your collar bones started showing? Remember how excited you were? That was pretty cool. Let's go back there, because they are showing way more now than they were then.
Remember having your ring re-sized from a 6.5 to a 5?
Remember how the bridesmaid dress you purchased in November had to be resized drastically? You pick up that dress this Friday. I wonder what it looks like?
Remember all of the car naps you used to have to take because you never had enough energy to make it through the day?
Remember when you were "running" a 5K in 47 minutes? I think your worst time was 53. Your knee used to hurt all the time. It still hurts to this day, but you can now run a 5K in 38.5 minutes. Let's push for 35 at our 5K next weekend.
Speaking of running, remember how you fell down the stairs that one time and sprained both of your ankles? You wouldn't run for four years after that. Now you run about 15-20 miles a week.
Remember when your double chin went away? Me either, but it's gone now.
Remember when your wrist bones started to pop out?
How about when you had to buy new bras because your old belly bent out the underwires when you sat down? When you went to buy more, you had apparently gone back down to your appropriate cupsize and inch circumference.
When you made the DietBet Hall of Fame?
When you purchased your first bikini in years and actually look good to your standards in it? No more one-pieces or shorts and t shirts in the pool.
Remember when you found your box of "skinny clothes" from the past, and were really pissed to see that they were actually falling off of you? You waited too long to start wearing them, but it felt really good to talk about.
Remember when you obtained a "normal" BMI? You are close to having a fat percentage in the "fitness" category. Get it.
Remember all of the migraines you used to have? Those still happen, but at least there are less of them now.
Remember how you used to crave Pizza, Hibachi, and Chipotle all the time? These foods were how you would cope with emotion. You didn't even realize it until you became healthy. You still eat these foods, but on your terms.
Speaking of food, remember that summer you ate those Blueberry donuts all the time? Those are gross to you now. How about when you were in college and you would have Pepsi every day? You gave up regular soda three years ago. Remember going to get McDonald's breakfast every weekend when you lived in the dorms? When was the last time you even craved an egg and cheese biscuit? YOU DON'T CRAVE THAT CRAP ANYMORE. Even when trying to convince yourself that these items are good, they aren't. They were basically that one friend in middle school who tried to get you to smoke a cigarette or make other poor life choices.
Dear future Sara, you're too far in. There's no going back to this, and you know it's not even an option. You may be having an identity crisis because you haven't been this weight since high school. You try on new clothes and see someone different, but embrace the new you. You have about 20 more pounds that would put you at your "ideal" weight. You'll look even more different then, but I would love to see you get there. My advice to you:
Keep running. A lot.
Keep cross training- elliptical, spinning, weights, maybe go buy a couple of bikes for you and David.
Keep eating that weird stuff you pack in your lunch box every day. It's clearly working. Although it's not working as fast anymore, it's still working.
Keep rooting through your old clothes and donate everything that doesn't fit. It was okay to hold onto "maybe one day" skinny clothes, but it is not okay to hold onto your "never again" big clothes. You will get pregnant some day. When that time comes, buy different clothes.
Get out of the freaking car when you go to the gym. You know you will feel better afterward. I don't know why you just sit there and get sad every single day. Fix it.
Kick your diet soda habit. You know it's bad for you. It's probably bloating you and nothing good can possibly come out of it either.
I appreciate how you are no longer a saboteur of yourself. The number on the scale is just a number. Look at all of the other numbers above. They mean something. From this moment on, this blog post will represent more and more of an idea of what is now "Past Sara." Read this post often. Read it when you are wearing your Matron of Honor dress for Kaitlin's wedding. Read it on the beach in Florida wearing that bikini you thought you would never wear. Read it when you reach that ideal weight and think to yourself, "It wasn't that hard." IT WAS HARD. But, you need to push yourself to the point in your success where you feel like it was a breeze. I love you. David loves you, and your parents and friends are so proud of all you have accomplished. Let's keep the inspiration going.
Love,
Past Sara