I'm not sure how much longer I will last with the lack of support and amount of sabbotage i get on a daily basis. 

My whole life has been centered around the rejection of failing diets and scales. 

I looked for motivational posters today to try to get a little pep in my step but instead of feeling inspired I just wanted to light them all on fire. 

I should've been down a total of 40lbs this month.. but instead I gained and lost the same 4 lbs which makes my weight loss a 37lb weight loss.. I could've been down 45lb, but I let people pressure me and influence me and guilt me.. 

Does our wanting to please others help or harm us more? Right now it's harming me, i'm feeling more self conscious, stressed, anxious, and constently sad then ever.. At one point I was almost 275lbs and felt more confident then I do now. 2 weeks ago I had cheekbones, those are gone... my collar bones were so pretty 2 weeks ago, I can't see them now..


I used to see a strong woman in my head when I would think about eating clean and working out, now I just hear my Dad screaming at me like he would when I was a child looking at the glass of water that I bumped off the table..


I'm sorry this isn't like my typical motiviational blog posts.. I was hoping this would give me a little relief to again revisit day 1 tomorrow, I'm going to lose my first dietbet, its eating me up inside- it's my fault and my fault alone, but there will be others.. that i'll probably lose. 

I'm sorry, i'm just so sad today.. I thought about taking tomorrow off of work and doing a crazy cleanse tonight through tomorrow to see something promising Saturday morning, but I think that would be really harmful and not consistent with my practice of healthy weight loss i've been promoting. 

No pills

No wraps

No diet teas

No special shakes

No bodily harm such as starving or purgeing

Just good clean food and hard work 

I would hate to go against what I believe in to see fast results. 

Cheer up, buttercup

Buck up baby

I know I know.. tomorrows a new day to make better choices. 

Someone PLEASE give me good solid advice to grabbing the bull by the horns again like I did January 1st. 

The anxeity i'm feeling about wedding cake tasting saturday is making my skin crawl. I wish I could send my fiancee and his mom, I might play sick and just hope they'll handle it without making a big deal or cancelling. Then we're supposed to do lunch (they love their chinese buffets - I'm already so stressed out and frusterated and now i'm getting angry) then registering.. 

I seriously want to cry... I think I might find a councelor to speak to, the panic and stress i feel now in social situations involving food I have no control over is almost paralyzing and I've lost my tools... I threw them out the work van on the way to that taco tuesday buffet.. all gone.. :( 

Again i'm sorry, I really hoped writing this would help me find peace and release all this weight on my chest and soothe all these emotions i'm feeling.. 

I don't feel much better but I am glad I wrote it, someone else out there has to know how i'm feeling. 

And earlier when lack of support was mentioned i didn't mean in this community, I meant in my inner circle, coworkers, family, friends who know i'm trying to make smart choices.. 

I think people sabotage because it makes them feel better about themselves... it's heart breaking and malicious in my opinion, i wish I could get shipped off to somewhere remote for a while, away from people so there are no excuses, just me and my goals. 

I'm sorry I don't know why i'm still writing about this pity party..